I couldn’t name what I felt
when the feelings were there.
And now that they’ve faded
I’m not certain if I can call them the same.
I came back around
to do things differently,
to rewrite stories,
to ease the regret of yesterday,
to fill that space with you.
Only now,
I feel like that space is bigger.
and that’s the thing
I remember you with a fondness
that grief can’t bury any deeper
to let you go,
to bury you with that grief
is a suffering that i can’t fathom—
one that i don’t wish to experience.
how do i honor your death
when you’re still around?
how do i long for your life
while mine is suspended in thin air.
it’s hard to breathe
through cries of your rejection,
the absence of your presence,
sometimes i get mad.
you’re the demon.
but here i live my life
as a ghost…
to which of us
goes the better hell?
I’ve been reflecting more
Now that I have time,
Now that I have space.
on some days I can forgive
and on others I just want to be a sinner.
Today I sinned. Heavily.
But it got lighter.
Conversations with my dad
brought perspective.
I hope to keep seeing him in you.
something was broken long ago
and I see now I needed
what I have now
Along time ago.
I didn’t want to take that medicine then.
So now it’s going down
with a bittersweet taste…
I can handle it.
I’ve been here before.
but to come here again?
Why bring myself more misery?
Why poison what already got broken
even more?
I’ve written manifestos
on how I’ll show up better
Course correct so that the
Course doesn’t always need correction.
defragment. Deprogrammed.
Reprogram taking place…
Everything will be so new
bright, fast moving, heavy
intense…
I’ll do my best to get ready.
How many days do I have left
Before the new me has to emerge.
I’ll use my penance and move on.
I wasn’t expecting that news lol
But I can’t say I didn’t see it coming
This reminds me, again it’s true
My intuition/discernment
was correct about you.
So where does that leave me
Broke busted and disgusted?
not at all, I’m somewhat relieved.
I asked God for a way out
And he answered my prayers
I pray He answers hers
when you decide to leave.
I wish we could be strangers again
And go back to simpler times
I really want a fresh start
I don’t know you
You don’t know me
And our focus was on our work
And not so much on each other
Well …I know I’m not your focus
So I’ll speak for myself.
I care too much
This I know.
And sometimes I hate myself for it.
do you hate me now?
have the memories
that you love to relive
become nightmares in your mind too?
because in each one there was a remnant
of evil that you missed?
And now that you’re going back
and collecting the coins of my heartbreak
you realize that it was your destiny
to not invest in me?
do I taste bitter? Salty do I seem?
Am I not sweet enough?
does my liqueur make you squeem?
how do I make you speak
about the taste of me
when in truth
you never took the time
to learn my recipe.
I’m angry yes,
bitter salty, it’s true.
but remember the coins
you collect from me
were dropped by you.
You have many words.
and I have wounds.
I also have suspicions
that, with each day
seem to be confirmed.
but is it bias?
or is it believable.
I don’t know…
Sometimes
I don’t like
how it feels
to be close
To you.
you run your mouth
And feed me truths
that are hard to eat.
When the lies
you used
To cover
Them with
Tasted so sweet.
