i'm so glad

i'm so glad 

i stayed out of the way

i'm so glad 

that i waited for this day

i knew who you were then

i knew you'd still be when

and now it's her turn

to pay for hell 

from your sins

bombs in the grip

 were all double agents

One mission done

Another can begin 

Sometimes without

Sometimes within

My night time, 

Your day. 

And 180 on that point

You get it

My, my

what a beautiful journey

Coming full circle 

feels like being made whole

whose turn is it now

And who do I get to be?

i am moot.

 I have no meaning

when I am around.

yet after 

being cast aside,

suddenly 

my stories matter 

but only if

they get to tell them.

what a discomfort

that I don't get to choose.

they get to rely on 

lies in the future.

to keep me from

from reading to much 

into things.

I choose to bookmark

my place 

in their past.

bed you made

 in fact,

you didn't make it up.

you left it a mess. 

and I have a feeling

that when you return home

you'll jump back into it 

the way you left it. 

the least you could do

 is leave me 

the cool side of the pillow.

I'll roll out of  bed

when it's time 

to wake up.

love letter

I couldn’t name what I felt

when the feelings were there. 

And now that they’ve faded

I’m not certain if I can call them the same.

I came back around 

to do things differently,

to rewrite stories,

to ease the regret of yesterday,

to fill that space with you.

Only now, 

I feel like that space is bigger. 

to bury you.

 and that’s the thing

I remember you with a fondness

that grief can’t bury any deeper

to let you go,

to bury you with that grief

is a suffering that i can’t fathom—

one that i don’t wish to experience.

how do i honor your death

when you’re still around?

how do i long for your life

while mine is suspended in thin air.

it’s hard to breathe

through cries of your rejection,

the absence of your presence,

sometimes i get mad. 

you’re the demon. 

but here i live my life

as a ghost…

to which of us

goes the better hell? 

13 days in

I’ve been reflecting more

Now that I have time,

Now that I have space.

on some days I can forgive

and on others I just want to be a sinner.

Today I sinned. Heavily. 

But it got lighter. 

Conversations with my dad

brought perspective. 

I hope to keep seeing him in you.

something was broken long ago

and I see now I needed 

what I have now 

Along time ago. 

I didn’t want to take that medicine then.

So now it’s going down

with a bittersweet taste…

I can handle it.

I’ve been here before. 

but to come here again?

Why bring myself more misery? 

Why poison what already got broken

even more? 

I’ve written manifestos 

on how I’ll show up better

Course correct so that the

Course doesn’t always need correction.

defragment. Deprogrammed.

Reprogram taking place…

Everything will be so new

bright, fast moving, heavy

intense…

I’ll do my best to get ready. 

How many days do I have left

Before the new me has to emerge. 

I’ll use my penance and move on.