i'm so glad

i'm so glad 

i stayed out of the way

i'm so glad 

that i waited for this day

i knew who you were then

i knew you'd still be when

and now it's her turn

to pay for hell 

from your sins

bombs in the grip

 were all double agents

One mission done

Another can begin 

Sometimes without

Sometimes within

My night time, 

Your day. 

And 180 on that point

You get it

My, my

what a beautiful journey

Coming full circle 

feels like being made whole

whose turn is it now

And who do I get to be?

i am moot.

 I have no meaning

when I am around.

yet after 

being cast aside,

suddenly 

my stories matter 

but only if

they get to tell them.

what a discomfort

that I don't get to choose.

they get to rely on 

lies in the future.

to keep me from

from reading to much 

into things.

I choose to bookmark

my place 

in their past.

bed you made

 in fact,

you didn't make it up.

you left it a mess. 

and I have a feeling

that when you return home

you'll jump back into it 

the way you left it. 

the least you could do

 is leave me 

the cool side of the pillow.

I'll roll out of  bed

when it's time 

to wake up.

love letter

I couldn’t name what I felt

when the feelings were there. 

And now that they’ve faded

I’m not certain if I can call them the same.

I came back around 

to do things differently,

to rewrite stories,

to ease the regret of yesterday,

to fill that space with you.

Only now, 

I feel like that space is bigger. 

to bury you.

 and that’s the thing

I remember you with a fondness

that grief can’t bury any deeper

to let you go,

to bury you with that grief

is a suffering that i can’t fathom—

one that i don’t wish to experience.

how do i honor your death

when you’re still around?

how do i long for your life

while mine is suspended in thin air.

it’s hard to breathe

through cries of your rejection,

the absence of your presence,

sometimes i get mad. 

you’re the demon. 

but here i live my life

as a ghost…

to which of us

goes the better hell? 

13 days in

I’ve been reflecting more

Now that I have time,

Now that I have space.

on some days I can forgive

and on others I just want to be a sinner.

Today I sinned. Heavily. 

But it got lighter. 

Conversations with my dad

brought perspective. 

I hope to keep seeing him in you.

something was broken long ago

and I see now I needed 

what I have now 

Along time ago. 

I didn’t want to take that medicine then.

So now it’s going down

with a bittersweet taste…

I can handle it.

I’ve been here before. 

but to come here again?

Why bring myself more misery? 

Why poison what already got broken

even more? 

I’ve written manifestos 

on how I’ll show up better

Course correct so that the

Course doesn’t always need correction.

defragment. Deprogrammed.

Reprogram taking place…

Everything will be so new

bright, fast moving, heavy

intense…

I’ll do my best to get ready. 

How many days do I have left

Before the new me has to emerge. 

I’ll use my penance and move on.

well good lord

 I wasn’t expecting that news lol

But I can’t say I didn’t see it coming

This reminds me, again it’s true

My intuition/discernment 

was correct about you. 

So where does that leave me

Broke busted and disgusted? 

not at all, I’m somewhat relieved.

I asked God for a way out

And he answered my prayers

I pray He answers hers 

when you decide to leave.

be strangers again.

I wish we could be strangers again

And go back to simpler times

I really want a fresh start

I don’t know you

You don’t know me 

And our focus was on our work

And not so much on each other

Well …I know I’m not your focus

So I’ll speak for myself. 

I care too much

This I know. 

And sometimes I hate myself for it.

say, my love

 do you hate me now?

have the memories 

that you love to relive

become nightmares in your mind too? 

because in each one there was a remnant

of evil that you missed?

And now that you’re going back

and collecting the coins of my heartbreak

you realize that it was your destiny

to not invest in me? 

do I taste bitter? Salty do I seem?

Am I not sweet enough? 

does my liqueur make you squeem?

how do I make you speak

about the taste of me

when in truth 

you never took the time 

to learn my recipe. 

I’m angry yes, 

bitter salty, it’s true. 

but remember the coins

you collect from me

were dropped by you.

ouch, that hurt.

You have many words.

and I have wounds.

I also have suspicions

that, with each day

seem to be confirmed. 

but is it bias?

or is it believable.

I don’t know…

Sometimes

I don’t like

how it feels

to be close

To you. 

you run your mouth

And feed me truths

that are hard to eat.

When the lies 

you used 

To cover

Them with

Tasted so sweet.

I’m being honest.

 if I’m being honest

I’m not ready either. 

I’ve been using

How I feel

As a measurement

Of my readiness

But clearly 

I’m in no space

To do much

I’m in no space

To be much

so who am I 

to have judged you

For realizing that

About yourself

All on your own? 

If my happy ending

Looks anything like yours

Then it involves

A life well lived

filled with security

covered in love. 

Who am I 

To fault you

For wanting that? 

We can’t get there

in a broken car.

so why not crawl

Until we can walk

Until we can run

Until we can fly

Together? 

see you happy.

seeing you happy…

I hate it. 

that’s why I’m distant

right now.

I have tears

That are paying 

For crimes

You committed. 

water/bed blues

maybe I needed this to happen    

so that i could wake up.

but anytime i'm awake

my mind is consumed.

do i drown in bed

or drown in my head

i do not know...

fill a void.

 i exist 

to fill a void 

in people’s lives. 

I am not 

special enough 

to be deserving

 of the world

but I am deserving enough

to be put up in hiding places 

stuffed in cracks and corners 

remembered for pleasure 

but forgotten for care.

my favorite song.

 you are my favorite song to listen to. 

i'm always excited 

when your track plays 

because i know 

i'll never skip you. 

i get to enjoy 

endless replays 

of your love. 

this small collection 

of thoughts

 is corny and sweet 

but it's true. 

my favorite way 

to pass time 

is by being immersed 

in my favorite tune, 

and that's you. 

buy me flowers.

 do you want to be the guy

who buys me flowers

when the rain is chilly

And the sun is darkening 

how about a bouquet of roses

in the color of fire

or peonies in my power color

what about sunflowers 

to appreciate the beauty

in my feminine being

or a plant that I can tend to

and grow old with

do you want to be the guy

who buys me flowers

when I’m moody and miserable

and when a smile is not enough

to express my joy

buy them for any reason

during any season

And like the garden they are pulled from

my love for you

will always be in bloom...

if you buy me flowers

are you sure

i guess what I'm looking for...

is reassurance that you wont change your mind.

others hopped in the car with me 

claiming they are going where I'm going.

and halfway through,

they get out.

and suddenly I'm left

taking the ride 

on my own.

only one time 

did I turn back around 

and try to follow 

where someone else went.

what a desolate road,

paved with terrible sounds of hell

and a torment 

that took up residence in my heart. 

never again.

now you and I 

are journeying together 

and the view is sunny. 

but i know some days 

it'll be cloudy.

it will definitely storm.

i pray we never go through 

a tornado or hurricane.

but if we do,

we will take cover

together. 

promise me,

we'll take cover 

together. 

are you sure

you'll stand by me no matter what

are you sure this journey 

is not too long?

are you built for a long time

not just a good time?

are you sure?

because I don't want to be wrong.

I’m no antidote

 don’t use me 

as a prop to feel good

what’s going on

on the inside

needs medicine

taken on the outside 

but baby I’m no antidote

save me 

for when you need 

a little honey

in your tea. 

dim my light.

not even the moon

can blot out the sun.

both know their place.

if I am one 

and you are the other

then no harm done.

both shine in darkness. 

both are visible in the day.

neither will dare 

to dim the other’s light

though only one

is illuminated by the other. 

you can choose to eclipse me

all you want

but if I am the sun

then not even you

can dim my light.